Navigating Setbacks and Trauma in the Legal Profession
By Hon. Victoria Elsmore
2023-2024 RCBA President
“Even after all my work, I still couldn’t keep the pieces from falling apart.”
That was the thought in my brain in 2015 as I stood in the street watching flames tear through the law firm that had my name on the door. It wasn’t a rational thought. It wasn’t helpful in any way, but it became my self-defeating mantra in the months following the fire. An event that could not have been expected and was not my fault still shook me deeply. Now, almost 10 years later, I look back on the mistakes I made in the early days of dealing with that and only now can recognize I didn’t have any model for how to do it better. In all honesty, this article is for me, so I can remind myself of these hard-fought lessons. I'm not here to offer you advice from an expert place. This isn't about me having all the answers. Instead, think of this as a conversation among friends, a reminder for both you and me of some valuable lessons that we can carry with us through the storms of life.
So let’s talk about setbacks and trauma. Those moments when it feels like the ground beneath us has crumbled, and chaos reigns supreme. We're taught in law school and early practice to rely on hard work to control the chaos. But here's the truth: eventually, chaos shows up for everyone. Sometimes, it barges in uninvited, and stuff falls apart.
There are a few things I fumbled that I would do differently, there are a few things I stumbled upon that were successful. I warn you, they are so much easier to type than to accomplish.
Sitting with Discomfort: Embracing the Mess
When chaos strikes, our first instinct is often to run from it, to fix it, to make it disappear. But here's the thing: there's value in just sitting with the discomfort for a little while. It's okay to acknowledge that things aren't okay. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up: the fear, the frustration, the uncertainty. By embracing the messiness of the situation, we open ourselves up to growth and resilience. It also forces us to slow down and make next steps from a place of calm rather than panic.
The Story We Tell Ourselves: The Power of Perspective
In the face of adversity, our internal narrative matters. It's easy to get caught up in victimhood or defeat, but ask yourself: Does this story serve me and my ultimate goals? Are there alternative narratives that empower me to rise to the challenges? A dear friend and I were talking through something hard recently, and I was being a jerk to myself. She said “what would you say if this were happening to me and not you?” That shift of perspective, that ability to recognize the ease with which we give grace and understanding to those we love allowed me to tell myself a different story with compassion. We have the power to rewrite our story. Choose a narrative that aligns with your values, strengths, and aspirations.
Seeking Support: You're Not Alone
In times of crisis, it's crucial to lean on your support network. My previous go-to move when things felt hard or out of control was to isolate, put my head down and work my way out. This led to burnout and a complete lack of support. I avoided reaching out for help for many reasons, I did not want to be a burden. I didn’t want my people to have to carry my load. Then I thought of how I felt when a colleague called me after a troubling incident she experienced to ask for support and advice. I felt privileged that she trusted me to share her story with. I felt a genuine connection with her and a desire to help in any way I knew how. I at no point felt burdened or put-out. How easily I forget that when the tables are turned! In the future I will continue to reach out to friends, family, colleagues, or mental health professionals who can offer a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on. I hope you feel like you can do the same. We will remind ourselves that vulnerability is not a weakness; it's a sign of strength.
Practicing Self-Compassion: Be Kind to Yourself
Amidst the chaos, don't forget to extend kindness and compassion to yourself. You're doing the best you can with the resources you have. Give yourself permission to make mistakes, to falter, and to learn along the way. Treat yourself with the same level of empathy and understanding that you would offer to a dear friend in need.
Finding Meaning in the Mess: Lessons Learned
“What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger” is something I heard a lot as a younger person. I have developed a different perspective on it. There are ways to go through difficult situations and survive them. But survival does not always mean growth or strength. Just because I am on the other side of something does not mean I am automatically a better and more self-actualized human. It takes more work than just survival. That is why the other items above are important. We are going to do more than survive. We are going to stay curious and use these experiences to grow. Only when we reflect on what we've learned about ourselves, our strengths, and our resilience are we made stronger. These experiences, though painful, have the power to shape us into wiser, more compassionate people.
Embracing the Journey
Life is messy. It's unpredictable, chaotic, and often downright hard. But within the chaos lies the opportunity to learn our true strength. We can grow. So, the next time life smacks me in the face, or sets something on fire, I will try to remember to sit with the discomfort, craft a narrative, seek support, practice self-compassion, and find meaning in the mess. And above all, remember that you are not alone. We're in this together, navigating the highs and lows of the legal profession one step at a time.
Here's to embracing the journey, embracing the chaos, and emerging stronger on the other side.
Hon. Victoria Elsmore is a family court referee for the second judicial district and the current RCBA president.